Day 201: ...In a blaze of glory
Sep. 29th, 2005 01:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nagi_schwarzSo...I guess I didn't need that Bon Jovi song after all. I babbled mindlessly, but that's what happens when I'm nervous. A by-product of being a debater for so many years, I think. But I told him. I had to do it. It was like the end of fall semester 04 when I couldn't finish my paper until I broke up with Rodney. I had to tell him because until I did my homework obviously wasn't going to happen. We watched the L&O and I was very sad that I'd missed SVU the night before. We also missed E-ring, and it looks really cool. We hung out some. Rowsmakitty even came to visit. Then Del vanished so it was just me and Seirra.
After BenTen issused her eternal coward challenge I decided that I would tell him tonight or be bust, but I still couldn't bring myself to hunt him down so I asked Seirra to tell him to come see when he went to the cafeteria at dinner (much insanity with them recarpeting everything in the main building - now we know where our hiked tuition money went). I was a total coward and skipped out when I saw him arriving at the cafeteria and we all sort of fled. I spent the evening nervous but mulling over my papers for Petersen. And watching every person who passed my window, and every person who came into the hall.
After Del left I was completely resigned to the fact that he wasn't coming (Seirra mentioned that he had seemed to be in something of a bad mood when she'd seen him at supper) and so I was getting geared up to tackle me some Roland Barthes and write a grand paper that somehow centred the argument on me; I think we've decided that I'm bad at writing about myself because I have issues. In a moment of nostalgia and loneliness - and after acquiring a copy of Giles singing 'behind blue eyes' - I turned on the Buffy soundtrack and me and Seirra began singing very enthusiastically.
The door was open slightly and someone knocked. I saw a tall, narrow, male shoulder and assumed that it was Rowsdower even though the interloper knocked instead of scratching, which Rowsmakitty always does, so I said to come in and there he was.
Fully dressed. No green bathrobe this time. Obviously he'd gotten his laundry done.
I stalled a bit, frozen when a spike of song about Mustard came on. I stalled some more by giving Seirra pretty songs, but finally she left, and I made some arrangements to talk to her later by tossing things at her window to gain access to her floor.
I attempted to say a hail mary, attempted to smother myself with a pillow, and then told him. It all stumbled out in a spill of words and was very ungraceful (nevermind that I'd had a speech in my head, written days ago and well-prepared), but he took it all in stride. He was very understanding about the weird babbling thing. I think I understood rightly that he doesn't have a girlfriend. He offered to hang out some, hide in the loft and watch movies. Even offered to come home on the weekends with us if we had some plans, which means I ought to call my mother and see if that's on and if she has room to house and feed hungry teenagers who would like to escape cafeteria food (and do some laundry?).
I was giddy and still shaking when he left, and I ran to leave a note on Del's door but as it turns out she was still awake so we ended up talking and playing cards and putting each other on the metaphorical couch (although I ended up on the literal couch as well) and then BenTen came home and we told her and there was much girly gushing.
It's in moments like these that I feel like such a girl.
With all this essentialism and feminism running around in my head, some days I wonder why I feel like a girl and other days my experience isn't at all coloured by my gender. I should really sleep.
After BenTen issused her eternal coward challenge I decided that I would tell him tonight or be bust, but I still couldn't bring myself to hunt him down so I asked Seirra to tell him to come see when he went to the cafeteria at dinner (much insanity with them recarpeting everything in the main building - now we know where our hiked tuition money went). I was a total coward and skipped out when I saw him arriving at the cafeteria and we all sort of fled. I spent the evening nervous but mulling over my papers for Petersen. And watching every person who passed my window, and every person who came into the hall.
After Del left I was completely resigned to the fact that he wasn't coming (Seirra mentioned that he had seemed to be in something of a bad mood when she'd seen him at supper) and so I was getting geared up to tackle me some Roland Barthes and write a grand paper that somehow centred the argument on me; I think we've decided that I'm bad at writing about myself because I have issues. In a moment of nostalgia and loneliness - and after acquiring a copy of Giles singing 'behind blue eyes' - I turned on the Buffy soundtrack and me and Seirra began singing very enthusiastically.
The door was open slightly and someone knocked. I saw a tall, narrow, male shoulder and assumed that it was Rowsdower even though the interloper knocked instead of scratching, which Rowsmakitty always does, so I said to come in and there he was.
Fully dressed. No green bathrobe this time. Obviously he'd gotten his laundry done.
I stalled a bit, frozen when a spike of song about Mustard came on. I stalled some more by giving Seirra pretty songs, but finally she left, and I made some arrangements to talk to her later by tossing things at her window to gain access to her floor.
I attempted to say a hail mary, attempted to smother myself with a pillow, and then told him. It all stumbled out in a spill of words and was very ungraceful (nevermind that I'd had a speech in my head, written days ago and well-prepared), but he took it all in stride. He was very understanding about the weird babbling thing. I think I understood rightly that he doesn't have a girlfriend. He offered to hang out some, hide in the loft and watch movies. Even offered to come home on the weekends with us if we had some plans, which means I ought to call my mother and see if that's on and if she has room to house and feed hungry teenagers who would like to escape cafeteria food (and do some laundry?).
I was giddy and still shaking when he left, and I ran to leave a note on Del's door but as it turns out she was still awake so we ended up talking and playing cards and putting each other on the metaphorical couch (although I ended up on the literal couch as well) and then BenTen came home and we told her and there was much girly gushing.
It's in moments like these that I feel like such a girl.
With all this essentialism and feminism running around in my head, some days I wonder why I feel like a girl and other days my experience isn't at all coloured by my gender. I should really sleep.
