nagi_schwarz | Day 945: Up the down staircase

So...life has been a little crazy, but I have done my best.

On Wednesday I was a witness for our friend Mike in his defense class trial, and then Angela and I watched Criminal Minds and had pizza at her place. Also, I spent a good hour out on the grass training with my staff, which was awesome but also made my arms more sore than I thought it would. On Thursday I ran errands and went to help clean the church. I was the only one there for the first half hour, which was kind of disconcerting, but then people showed up and it was all right. Friday I went to the dentist. Jake, my nice dentist from Idaho, was very sweet, but he had my mouth cranked open for three hours while he drilled (and I know one of my uncles went slightly deaf due to dental drills, so I was paranoid about the drills), but my filling is all done and I am free. (Also, cannot stand the taste of latex. Ew gross!) At training it hurt every time I opened my mouth to answer up. I think I jacked up my left shoulder again trying out high dives and distance dives before class. Also, I accidentally made my eleven-year-old training partner cry. Apparently she had an injured shoulder, and then I cranked on her a little too hard when I got her into guard...and she started crying. So I finished out training with the boys, who cracked wise the entire time. Still, it was good times, and afterwards I went home and talked to Cody.

Saturday was pretty decent - went to train with Sensei Green. He helped fix my sliding side kick (now able to knock over someone who weighs up to 180 pounds) and my crescent kick, and overall it was good times. If I meditate a little bit every day on what I've learned, I reckon some of it will stick around for testing. After training I sat around Wal Mart for frickin' ever waiting to get my oil changed, and when I got home I fixed chicken stew in the crock pot and also baked a pumpkin pie. I went to play D&D, where I saw my buddy Chauncy for the first time in a long time (and I ended up attempting to sacrifice him to a crazy evil NPC, because I've never done that before and everyone needs to sell/sacrifice another party member just once in his or her gaming career). Afterwards Angela and I had Saturday Night Merlin and our chicken stew and cookies. I am so, so excited for the coming episodes of Merlin. Arthur/Gwen is growing on me, which is totally freaking me out.

Today...today was a good day. Before training on Friday, Angela and I stopped by the Payless Shoe shop near the dojo, and I picked up some seriously death-defying heels to wear with my bridesmaid dress. (I talked to Chani till Angela showed up - I need to stay in better contact with my soul sisters and combat sisters.) I wore said heels to church today in an effort to practice, which was good. My feet were sore after, and I am still leery of stairs, but still...church today was awesome. I felt really, really good coming away from church and the fireside tonight (after, of course, Break the Fast). I found out that Kile's mom is in the hospital, which is why he wasn't at D&D last night. When I talked to him, he didn't mention it, so I decided not to mention it, but he did show up to the fireside and I saved him a plate of dessert (all the real food was gone by then) and we talked. I found out that he can make balloon animals, and it occurred to me that I don't really remember ever having received one as a child, so he promised to show me how, and also as he works at Toys R Us he said he'd help me locate an awesome gag gift for Cody for Christmas. Today was a good day. I felt happy and warm and determined - to improve my life this week, to be a better person, to try to be more compassionate and patient and helpful to others, and I can do it. I know I can. It's going to be hard work, but if I tackle it like I tackle ninja training, I can do it. I felt all happy and warm...and then on the way home...I got struck with the creepiest paranoid feeling ever. I tried to call Sei, but she didn't answer her phone, and talking to Cody for about an hour staved off the worst of it, but now...now I am so, so nervous, and I cannot begin to explain it.

Thanks to Cody, I can sleep with a knife under my pillow, and I will have a katana on hand. I am considering putting my bo staff near my bed just in case. I went from happy and warm to crazy and creeped out. I don't know what's going on. Nevertheless, I am still going to do my best this week, and that's what counts.

I'm doing my best to try to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life (being jobless has helped me learn that I can hula hoop for fifteen minutes straight, make chain maille jewelry at an astounding rate, watch the entirety of the first season of the Sarah Connor Chronicles and crochet the entire time, watch Casper and get teen nostalgic, and other pointless things), and I think I might be finally getting my head on straight. I want to do something useful, and until I have a job, well, I can try to help the people around me, so here goes. I think I've reached a good point where I can go about my day trying to be useful without constantly moping about missing Cody. Now I can get things done and know, in the back of my mind, that he'll be there at the end of the day, and I can call him and tell him all about how I fixed my kick or managed to not food-poison any poor missionaries.

What's coming in the next few months is unknown, but I'm going to do my best to make it something good. When I was in school, I always knew what was coming - I had academic calendars and syllabi to help me orient myself, to help me set goals and make deadlines. Now - now this is the growing up part. I'm on my own and have to find my own compass.

For all the points of a compass, there is only one direction, and time is its only measure.